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2nd January 2019 at 11:50 pm #338322nd January 2019 at 11:52 pm #33834
I went to a new nighlub last week.
They played the twist so I did the twist.
They played jump around so I jumped around.
They played come on Eileen and I was dragged out by the bouncers.2nd January 2019 at 11:56 pm #33836I had a phone call from my son’s school today.
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That’s..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
3rd January 2019 at 12:00 am #33837Jose Mourinho has said he is thinking of returning to Portugal, never to be seen again
He’s currently taking advice from the Mccanns.3rd January 2019 at 12:08 am #33838Just to warn you my humour is pretty dark haha
What does a prostitute and a bowling ball have in common? You pick them up, finger them and then bang them down an alley.
3rd January 2019 at 11:33 am #339263rd January 2019 at 2:09 pm #33962Some local yobs stole 20 crates of Red Bull from our local corner shop.
I don’t know how these people sleep at night.
3rd January 2019 at 2:11 pm #33963I just watched a DVD called Bald and Barely Legal,so there was I sitting…
dick in hand only to realise it was a Bridgestone documentary about minimum fucking tyre tread depths3rd January 2019 at 4:41 pm #34005Rumour had it that Jeremy beadle had a tiny cock.there again on the other hand it could of been massive.
13rd January 2019 at 4:54 pm #34007Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study.
The Aussies didn’t really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
3rd January 2019 at 5:10 pm #34014I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no fucking money in there
19th January 2019 at 11:39 pm #35956My Korean girlfriend has just made me a pie from scratch.
I’m fucking gutted…..I loved that dog.
19th January 2019 at 11:40 pm #35958I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.
19th January 2019 at 11:42 pm #35959that reminds me of Hugh Dennis saying These Korean meatballs, really are the dogs bollocks 🙂
9th January 2019 at 11:43 pm #35961Bandits new neighbour.
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant “wifi”, not “wife”. !!!!!!
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